In the life of a Freak.

Way behind.

2010-06-17T13:01:00.000-04:00

I think it is safe to say I am way behind on updating this thing.... Well right now I am in a great relationship <3 Yes I am finally in love and found the right guy, if you met him you would say the same. I am still in the middle of job hunting, which totally sucks. I am right now pretty much living on the westside with Justin. Saturday I am going to Pride <3 I am really excited! I love supporting the gay community, then hitting the gay club afterward!!!

I LOVE YOU!!!! Not a secret. But just thought'd i'd state it.

2010-04-07T01:11:00.001-04:00

I LOVE YOU TOO!

Ask me anything

formspring.me

2010-04-07T01:02:00.001-04:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/rainbowpixie

When are you coming to visit again? You just left a few days ago, but I miss you already. :P Can't wait to see you again, baby!

2010-04-06T23:49:00.001-04:00

:P Soon.

Ask me anything

been having it rough lately. mabey me and you should get together and make some music :P

2010-03-31T23:25:00.001-04:00

Oh really now? lol

Ask me anything

Are you ready to easter egg hunting???MUAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA

2010-03-31T23:24:00.001-04:00

Hell yeah!

Ask me anything

Life

2010-03-30T22:54:00.001-04:00

Well tomorrow is Samie - Shelia time. Woohoo. I am also helping my Mom and Aunt with there knew daycare so when I am home and not at Justins I go there and help. Right now I am just keeping them organized. Other than at, Life is boring :P

hey shelia, wanna make out?

2010-03-30T22:39:00.001-04:00

Oh yes Samie! We gotta broadcast it on chat roulette!

Ask me anything

want to make out? lol

2010-03-30T22:26:00.001-04:00

Oh yes! :P Actually I don't even know who this is so how would I know if I wanted to make out with you?

Ask me anything

do you wanna hook up with me?

2010-03-30T22:25:00.001-04:00

..... Do I even know you? lol Hook-up's are so last season.

Ask me anything

Do you love me?

2010-03-30T22:24:00.001-04:00

Hmmm..... If I knew who you were I would answer. But until that information is given there is no comment.

Ask me anything

Home

2010-03-28T22:58:00.002-04:00

So I am home for a little while. Since I mainly stay at Justins. Makes it easier on my family with being in a tight financial bind right now. Nothing new has happened to me at ALL recently. My life has become even more boring as it seems.

If you had to choose 3 of your most favorite moments from ITA, what would they be?

2010-03-28T22:27:00.001-04:00

There is no way in HELL I can choose only 3! Every day there was the best days of my life :) I miss you guys so much!

Ask me anything

12 stones - lie to me

2010-03-15T23:24:00.000-04:00

Our candle burns away
The ashes full of lies
I gave my soul to you
You cut me from behind

Nowhere to run and nowhere to hide
You're scared of the truth, I'm tired of the lies
Cuz who I am, is where you wanna be

Don't act like an angel
You fallen again
You're no super hero
I found in the end

So lie to me once again
And tell me everything will be alright
Lie to me once again
And ask yourself before we say goodbye
Well goodbye
Was it worth it in the end...

You said you were there for me
You wouldn't let me fall
All the times I shared with you
Were you even there at all?

Nowhere to run and no where to hide
You're scared of the truth, I'm tired of the lies
Cuz who I am, is where you wanna be

Don't act like an angel
You fallen again
You're no super hero
I found in the end

So lie to me once again
And tell me everything will be alright
Lie to me once again
And ask yourself before we say goodbye
Well goodbye
Was it worth it in the end

Why'd you have to up and run away
A million miles away
I wanna close my eyes and make believe
That I never found you

Just when I put my guard away
It's the same old story
You left me broken and betrayed
It's the same old story

Don't act like an angel
You fallen again
You're no super hero
I found in the end

So lie to me once again
And tell me everything will be alright
Lie to me once again
And ask yourself before we say goodbye
Well goodbye
Was it worth it in the end...

Lie to me once again
It's the same old story
Lie to me once again
It's the same old story

Was it worth it in the end...

Car Accident.

2010-03-15T23:22:00.000-04:00

So, was totally in a car accident lastnight. It fucking sucked!!! Oh well, Camaro got a dent, her truck got FUCKED up :P

Other news:

I have been on a thinking spree, only bad thing about the camper other than cold is a lot of thinking time which never leads to anything good.... ever.....

Ask me anything :P

2010-03-14T17:23:00.000-04:00

<p>&amp;amp;lt;a href="http://www.formspring.me/rainbowpixie"&amp;amp;gt;http://www.formspring.me/rainbowpixie&amp;amp;lt;/a&amp;amp;gt;</p>

Pussy Pumps?

2010-03-12T00:07:00.002-05:00

Can anyone explain the meaning of these? Seriously! Why would anyone want swollen vagina lips and clit. Wouldn't that hurt? What happened to good 'ol fashion Vibrators? Why do they need to keep finding more things to shock me!

Angel in the cemetery

2010-03-11T01:40:00.000-05:00

Taken at green lawn Cemetery August of '09.

New random Photoshop work.

2010-03-11T01:30:00.000-05:00

The untold story. Random Story I started writing.

2010-03-11T01:17:00.003-05:00

I never truly understood the feeling of love, not until I laid in bed and placed my head on his chest. Hearing and feeling his heart beat, mine mimicking his beat to beat. Did he feel it to? Did he feel the connection, The feeling of something there you never felt with someone else? 1

I guess not, Now I lay here in the dark alone, the only beating my heart is doing is in sync with the ticking coming from the clock on the wall. Painful, hollow ticking, every beat hurting more than the last. The ticking of the second hand reminding me that it is another second I am without him. The worse reminder is that I know he is never coming back. Even though my mind says no, and my heart tells me yes, yes he is coming back. 2

My mind wanders in every direction without any control no matter how hard I keep trying I can't seem to turn it off. It is horrible how your own mind can betray you, bringing up everything you work so hard to ignore, to forget. Memories of the good times with him, things that keep you hooked, hooked like drug. The drug of my choice is pain, hurting myself over and over thinking about him. Letting it happen again and again even though I said it wouldn't. Thinking about the kisses, the gentle touches, things that seemed so normal and unimportant at the time. Now you think about how much they truly meant to you, and how you would do anything for just one last time of the feeling you got with him. 3

That is how is always goes doesn't it? The saying "You don't know what you got till it's gone" So true, so hurtful. With the good comes the bad, the memories of hurt, the things he did to you that caused you to rock back and forth and crying. Repeating to yourself that you wish it would all just go away, the things that went wrong that you could take back if you could. The feeling of loss, and abandonment becoming unbearable. 4

The things that fuel my nightmares, bringing denial to life. The nightmares that bring you up in a cold sweat, heavy breathing, and the tears spilling down your face. Wiping them away and feeling stupid for caring in the first place.5

I lay here I tell myself that tonight will be different. That I can wake up and not reach for him, only to realize he is not there. That the blanket you are holding isn't him like you thought in your dreams, and there is no one there to hold you and tell you everything will be alright. Though you know it will be alright.6

All you have left is the ghost of someone who is not there, and only used you as a game. Just a toy on the shelf that he got bored with and tossed aside. Left to collect dust, and wallow in all the fun and laughter I missed.7

Why must I always bring up everything back to him! Every story I tell starts with "That happened once with." Then I feel like shit after repeating his name, for the thousand time. Seeing the look on people faces knowing what is coming next. Why can't I forget his name, act as if he never existed. Just to lay here and act as if life is normal, for once put on a real smile for once. Not to have a fake once plastered on my face like makeup. Looking to each person repeating in my head "Believe me! Don't catch on to the lie." Though I can't even make myself believe it. Why god? What have I done to deserve such torture?"8

The clock ticks again, This time taking my breath away. I wonder to myself how long I have laying here, Burning a hole in the ceiling with my blank stare. I took over to the horrid clock that started all this, I wonder if I hadn't gotten the retched thing if I would have been asleep already. Focusing my eyes I look at the number and say aloud to myself "This can't be right! 6:30 AM!." If my mind wasn't playing tricks on me then that means I have been laying here in a daze for five hours. Lost in thought, that only means another shade of purple that will be added beneath my eyes. I was a walking poster child for insomnia, the insomnia I never had till he came in my life, and left me broken. Oh well, what can I do? Not shit to be totally honest, so I say to myself out loud "Come on Rayvn, Suck it up and get on with your life."9

I let out a deep sigh and sit up and throw my legs over the side of the bed. Always getting up to find the light is a bitch. I put my feet to the floor and force myself to stand up. Dragging my feet and flailing my arms out so I don't fall and break my neck. Which lord knows I have almost done a few dozen times. 10

"Where the hell is the light switch!" I run into the dresser and stub my toe and let loose a long stream of curses. I really need to remember to move that today, All I need is another broken toe when going on my early morning adventures of finding the damn light switch, also good thought would be that stupid clap on system I am always seeing on infomercials. I finally run into the wall with a umph, here we go. Running my hand in circles on the wall looking for the retched thing. Tada! I flip the switch on and shout loudly "Oh shit!" as I was blinded my the sudden blast of bright light. Rubbing my eyes and wishing I could just wear sunglasses when I first wake up. 11

Also note to self; See doctor about sleeping medication. The home remedies my mother had taught me never seemed to help. Not with this type of issue.

Train Wreck

2010-03-11T01:16:00.002-05:00

Here is a Poem I wrote called "Train wreck."

Day turns to night.
Night turns to day.
All days blur together now that you are gone.

You run through my mind like a run away train.
Every time I try and stop you...
There is only wreckage in the end.

I wake up with tears spilling down my face.
This empty hole that did not exist before.
You took everything when you left.

My heart skips a beat at the mention of your name.
The pain of loneliness clenches my chest.
Making breathing more unbearable.

The dreams awakening me reaching for you.
To only know the dream was true.
You really are gone.

Off with someone else.
Happy without me.
I wish I could say as much for myself.

Why are you the best dream I had?
Also the worst nightmare?
Always leaving me in the end.

Missing your face,
Your touch,
The way you made me feel.

This wreckage you left behind means nothing to you.
Just a pile of ash,
Ash that does nothing but stain.

Friends?
How could we be friends?
When in the end I was only a toy left forgotten when something newer came to your eye?

Just leave me,
Leave my memories,
Leave me to feel broken and clean up the pieces of me.

To mend my broken heart,
Is that to much to ask?
Will this train wreck never end?

Rude awakening.

2010-03-10T23:04:00.000-05:00

To start this blog I am going to tell about my rude 6am wake up call. Literally, a wake up call. This is why I can't stand Ghetto wanna be 16 year old bitches.

Obviously she NIOKA thinks she is tough shit. When in all reality she doesn't scare me at all. Really you think your "Man" Needs your back up? Wow, isn't it funny hes 23 years old and can' fight his own fights. So you threaten me by said and I quote "I will slit your shit wide open bitch." Anyone see a court case coming with this one, I know I sure do. I really wish her or her boyfriend; who by the way is a low life piece of scum, would just go fuck each others brains out and leave me alone. They wonder why I blocked there phone numbers? And ignored the random number calling my phone..

I don't want anything do with them but they are to ignorant, dumb, and illiterate; At least that is the only reason I can come up with.

Okay so time to change it up.

Today I was wondering around live journal like I do everyday looking for new books to download, and what do I find? :D Hourglass, Book 3 of the evernight series.. Again a book I have been waiting a year for. Thought anymore that seems like every other book that comes out. I am so excited to begin reading it. Tehe!

So at the moment I am laying in Justins bed (He started work tonight) And being super bored :( Watching a movie on tv called Dark Rising? No idea.

Well that is all for now. I can't think of anything else interesting to say..

Love, Hate, and all in between,
Shelia..

When men think they are so hard.

2010-03-09T22:19:00.000-05:00

FINALLY A RANT!

Okay so my ex decided that he is going to "Beat my ass" which makes me laugh hysterically. So to bash back at him I made a Fan group called "F-U-C-K YOU MR. ERIC LISTON!!!" I think it is some of my best work and he hasn't even seem the half of what I have planned for him. This is where men fuck up with me, you piss me off and I PROMISE that I will make your life a living hell. I am not a mean person, most people know this. It take A LOT of upset me this much, at least enough to make me wanna ruin someones life. Oh well, he fucked up. His myspace is going bye bye, and so is his facebook tonight. That is a lot nicer than what I wanted to do. Oh well.

I am excited to see him try and kick my ass. Though I do have mine and his who conversation saved so if you want to read it just ask, I will be more than happy to show you :)

Oh well, enough ranting and thinking about cutting off his private parts :D

Love, Hate, and all in between,
Shelia..

Off to the park

2010-03-09T15:01:00.000-05:00

I just got back from the park, Which was really fun. I miss being 8 and playing on the swings.

I got to the park and a few little kids walked up and saw me and ran away, I guess I was a little to old to be playing at the park. Oh well.

I also missed spring! Being able to walk around barefoot outside and not having to wear a jacket. Summer will even be better, score for going to the beach!

Update which sucks.

2010-03-08T21:22:00.003-05:00

- At the moment I am sitting at Justin's house watching Family guy because everyone knows it is amazing.

Song listening to right now:'S.O.S. (Anything But Love)feat. Apocalyptica feat. Cristina Scabbia.

Number of books read: 273
Book I am reading Currently:None, for the first time in my life I am not in the middle of a book.

So I haven't written a blog in almost a year. My life has yet to be very eventful so not much to update people on.

So since my last blog I wrote I was moving in with my total asshole of a boyfriend. Well I am now back at home because I finally realized I couldn't take it anymore and left him.

Which brings me to say: If a guy ever hits you? Beat the fuck outta him. I promise in the end the busted knuckles are very worth it.

After I moved out I got into a car accident in which I totaled my car and am not immobile. Not having a car makes finding a job heard. Which brings me to another issue in my life. No job... I am living in a camper with no money and no car. Doesn't my life look just peachy? lol

Oh well I am alive and that is all that matters.

But back to leaving Josh.... Everyone saw that coming. I wasn't even surprised when it happened. Word to the wise man who ever wants a relationship with me; You hit me, I will almost kill you. Or black out doing so. Leaving him went into a issue with him not wanting to leave me alone, It was so bad I almost got a restraining order.

After a few issues with men I met Eric... Now that was the biggest mistake of my life. And the man who made all my trust issues 2 times worse, it really sucks. Broke my heart and caused me to become a total bitch.

Well... Worse than I already am.

I wrote a little thing. No idea what you would call it, just random thoughts thrown out there. So I figured it would explain a lot of my mind set. Enjoy :P

When you feel like giving up.

No one warned you life would be hard.
Neither did they explain the hurt that comes from it.
Giving it all up sometimes seems like a good idea.
Just waking up and acting as things never happened.

The pain will never go away,
Yes it will fade slowly with time.
But you never want to hide it inside.
Someday it will be unnoticeable,
But never forgotten.

Sometimes things don't seem worth the pain,
But if you sit down.
For just one moment.
You will see that somethings are just worth the risk.

Life is full of mistakes,
And it is full of surprises too.
Never look back and regret it.
Because life will work out in the end if you want it bad enough.

Everything happens for a reason.

I have made my mistakes,
I have done my wrongs.
But I know everything will work out for me.
But only if I believe in it hard enough.

I know you don't understand most of this.
But life will not always be so bad.
It took me 19 years to sit down and figure this out.
Now all I can do is wait.

In my past there has been love,
And I have lost.
Hate, replaced with peace.
And a few heartbreaks.

Lost a few friends,
But also gained more than before.
Learned life Lessons.
And looking forward to the next stop in life.

When you feel like giving up.
Just remember.
The grass is always greener on the other side.
You just gotta work to get there, It won't come to you.

-So to end this blog I say thanks for reading. If I don't keep up my blog like I should... Just call and bitch me out. That seems to work pretty well in the motivating department. Thanks for telling me to get to it Roy :P

Love, Hate, and all in between,
Shelia..

First and Formost.

2009-03-26T01:40:00.006-04:00

-At the moment I am sitting in my room at almost 2:00 AM in the morning knowing I should go to bed but thinking to much about how life sucks. Though I am enjoying the breeze of fresh air coming from my window (Finally spring is in Ohio.)-

Song listening to right now: Let me sign - Robert Pattinson.
Lyrics

Number of books read: 261
Book I am reading Currently: The Vampire Hunter D.
Review on this book: It is a very good book, I saw the Anime and like it but I grabbed the book at Half-Price Books and figured I would give it a go, I always give any book a chance(Unless it is one of those books about God. Unless it is about the Holy Grail, I find those interesting). It starts pretty slow but towards the middle it makes you want to keep reading. I couldn't put it down, but that is me with almost everything I read. I would recommend this book if you like Futuristic/Vampire books, or just Vampire books.

Well let's see here. This is my first post and I have so much I want to put down but I cannot seem to get any of it out here.

First I want to talk about how annoying close minded people are...
This is what pisses me off more than anything.
People who think they can put others down just because there different?
Well think again BITCH!
It makes me so mad to see these people who sit around and tell other people they are wrong because it's something they don't personally believe in. Well you know what? Everyone is different. There is no 2 people alike (Well twins are close but they don't always have the same personality.) and they don't always worship the same god, there not always; sexually straight, like the same music tastes, or style, or social click. I know I am the opposite of what everyone thinks I should be. I wear what I want to, I say what I want to, I think how I want to. I am called so many different names, Fat, Ugly, Satanist (Though I still don't know where the fuck this one comes from.), Stupid, I even got called a French Whore once; though that did make me laugh so hard I shot my milk out of my nose. Though the only word I would use to describe myself is "Freak" because I will admit it, I will always be a side show to other people. I am proud of who I am and what I have done.

Non Ranting:
I am getting the Twilight DVD soon, I am soooo excited. Yes I am one of those many Twilight freaks that you say needs a life. But I do need a life so -Smiles- you have that one right.
-
I am looking for a job and no such luck. I am moving in with my Boyfriend to save my parents a little money so within the next week I will probably be posting my stuff late because during the day I will be packing or moving.
-
Luck with book hunting is not going so well I have officially run out of books to read. If anyone knows a good book let me know.
-
Well I think I have written enough tonight I will have to write down more ideas to talk about tomorrow though I know I want to write about some Politics, and Environmental things.

Night Night, or Good morning for some.

Love, Hate, and all in between,
Shelia..